Woman… well… she’s not all that clever…

Yeah.

No.

Those of you who have been followers of The World According to Woman you have come to know just one simple thing.

You know that Harold, my Brain Hamster does not always think before he acts or speaks.

And in this case… orders.

Some of you out there reading this might be aware of my insane and irrational fear of electricity. Oh yeah. I know. I pay people to come to my house to plug things in for the first time. And then watch them over and over and over and over unplug, plug in. Unplug. Plug in.

Again.

And again.

Cripes… why do you think I use the electric stove thingie as a booster chair for my night table and now only use gas in the kitchen?

Do you think I’ve done this so I can run around shouting, “I’ve got gas! I’ve got gas!” when I get a new tank delivered?

Nope.

Electricity just freaks me out. 

Well yeah, ok. When I get my new tank of gas into the house, yes. Yes I do send messages to friends saying, “I’ve got gas”. Because it is funny.

So anyways, me not being the brightest candle on the table… I decided to order me some new toys.

I finally broke down and bought myself a Hitachi Magic Wand, and bought a male masturbatory sleeve that I can turn inside out and use as a textured hat for my new wand.

I’ve used it once… but to be honest? Not a fan of the Hitachi so far. I know, I have to use it quite a number more times… but like the Eroscillator… it is really not something I’m impressed with.

Because there are other toys that are better.

Now.

The Fling. I bought mine in the brown, but the strange thing is, it is more a cafe au lait colour and just is so gosh darn pretty. He’s made out of wood, and he is the most comfortable toy to hold in your hands.

I also got some new glass of the Icicles line, you remember the Squids Penis with Pimples post? Orgasming with a hunk of glass that textured?

Remember?

Anyways, I bought myself the new Icicles; Icicles No 26 and Icicles No 28.

Icicles No 26 is a long spade style bum plug… but what makes him unique to most of the butt plugs out there… he is just a hunk of glass. No colour to him. It used to be that any plain clear glass bum plug was uber pricey. Nope. He is just such a handsome devil that will live in my behind for a while at a time.

But I have to say, that he is living on my table at the moment as I am trying to chat him up and flirt with him a little as he is a little wider than I’ve had in my bum in a long time so he might hurt a little if I don’t charm him right into my backside!!!!

Now. Icicles No. 28… he is just… so…

Pretty!!!

I bought him because the Swirled Blue Dild0 (the blue shaft with the clear tear drop head? Remember?) I still love, but he is just a little too big to visit my bottom on a regular occasion especially if I am playing on my own. So this new pink guy has all the ridging and texture I could want, plus a squished tear drop head, and a flared base, not to mention the g-spot curve… what more could a sex toy addict ask for in a toy?

Granted, he is not as big around as I usually like, he is just under one and a half inches in diametre, but he is perfect for what I want him for.

And that brings us to the Best Gay Erotica.

I started reading this this afternoon, now I have to admit, it was an assignment (I am a sex toy spy you know!!) from EdenFantasys, so I received it for free, but at the moment I am not impressed with the stories. I have read a fair bit of gay erotica, and I have to admit I much prefer man on man to girl on girl. There is just something about two hot and sweaty and muscular, and the man sounds not to mention man stubble… and forgive me my Harold is in the middle of a fantasy.

But the stories in this book… well so far at least… are not the best thing on the planet. They are better than some of the stories I’ve read out there for sure, but not the best. What I do like about them, is so far out of the the three stories I’ve read, they’ve had oodles of character development.

Which I really like in stories.

But missing the smut parts too.

I like smut.

Hell, I write smut.

Anyways, there are a few more stories to read in it, and hopefully I’ll get my rocks off to at least one of the stories.

And finally…. the toy that had me fainting when I finally learnt the price…

Jopen Intensity.

Or as I call it?

The Duck.

It’s an electrical-stimulation toy, so what that means is that it sends electrical current into the muscles of your vagina forcing them to contract to help build strong muscles to increase the intensity of your orgasm.

Not to mention it’s main purpose as a pelvic floor exerciser for women to help promote muscle strength for their kegels; so when they sneeze later on in life, they don’t pee a little. Or when they laugh… no pee!!!

Good thing to buy a woman!!! Birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day… Valentine’s Day… or better yet ladies… I say buy it for your man because you can sell it as, “But darling, I bought it for you. This way I’ll be tighter for you and sex will just be so much more enjoyable!!!”

Might work!

But as I said in the beginning of this post… I must never have had a rocker to fall from as… I’m petrified of electricity and I bought myself an electro-stim toy!!!

So I go to use it today.

I lube it and me up.

Sweat breaks out upon my brow and not for the play.

But from fear.

The thoughts rushing through my head… I mean do I have to say it? I’ve had toys break my vagina. I’ve fallen in the shower and I can’t get up because of toys, bees have bitten my ass. Pulled muscles till I cry. And more.

Masturbation Blues. They might be the ultimate erotic comedies… and they are kind of funny after the fact, but living through them do kind of hurt.

And electricity to boot?

My fear?

Gulp.

I just saved how many points to get all these toys without passing over a cent… I was going to use it.

So in it goes.

Turn on.

Check. Red light. Power is on.

Play with the cit arm.

Hate the clit arm.

Move my thumb to the electro-stim controls and try not to pass out from fear.

Turn it up.

Turn it up.

Hummm…. broken?

Turn it up.

Maybe it is broken.

Slip it from within me and wrap my hand around it.

Felt like I put my hand on an electric fence.

Screamed.

Neighbours stopped talking.

Whimpered.

Try two.

Finally figured out how the controls work.

Oh.

Intensity level three. Can feel it… but try level four.

WOWZERS!

I don’t know if it was painful or that pain pleasure thing… but it made my vagina spasm, and my bum spasm too. That was weird.

Thankfully I had no toy in my butt or that could have been interesting.

I’ll write more about The Duck later (Ducks are man whores in China- rather male prostitutes) once I’ve had more time to get to know him better. But I am not too sure how well I like him right now.

I do know right now I like him better than the Hitachi.

Anyways… I’m not all that clever. I should have gone with Njoy’s “Eleven” which is three and a half pounds of stainless steel.

Mmmm…. Steel.

Live long and may the vagina in your life prosper…

w

PS- if you are buying sex toys from EF and you’d like a discount, feel free to use SVN for 15% off regular priced toys!!!

~ by Woman on August 2, 2012.

7 Responses to “Woman… well… she’s not all that clever…”

  1. I’m proud to say that when you say “you remember the…” I’m thinking, “Yes, we remember the…” Oh woman, we have had some great times, haven’t we? I’m hoping they continue so please, please be very careful with the (I told you not to buy it, but did you listen?) Duck. Let’s not add vaginismus to your “Blues” list. :D

    • I know!!! I should have gone with the Eleven so when I accidently dropped it while in use it would have landed on my toe and broken it!!!!

      Once I am done with replying to comments… yes. I am going back to trying it out some more!!!!

  2. I prefer electricity over gas but that’s just me…

  3. Safety first, Woman!
    Your pursuit of pleasure has taken you to the limits of safety, right?

    • Well most of them has been innocent mistakes… the Hoss was my own fault I’ll admit to it!!!

      I am off to conquer this thing!!! Wish me luck!

  4. I also share your fear of electric, but only when it comes to toys. I don’t know how other ladies feel about it, personally the thought of a toy attached to a cord and in me freaks me out. Mum always taught me not to mix wet with electric! Best wishes with your new playthings though.
    XOXO – The Kinkeh One

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