Adventures Along the Horny Prick Road… an erotic parody Part I

Ahoy!

As most of you know, I started off writing for an erotic website a few years ago. I meet a group of authors who helped me to develop my writing… and all was honky dory until one day while I was under house arrest because of  the swine flu scare back in 2009 or was it 2010? I woke up singing songs from “The Wizard of Oz” and me being me… I changed the lyrics.

That is when I got in touch with Ftfagos (also known as Wyliecoyote) from “The Last of the Romantic Cynics“, and SJ (also known as Dukky) from SJ’s Journey, and Milady to join me (also know as Ms Funny Pants) and continually handed them drafts of the story and nagged and nagged until they decided to tweak their lines or make a song a little more “oomphishy”. 

And all the names of the characters in this story are members of The Lusty Library. So all the people mentioned in here are real… at least on screen. 

So now I am sharing them with you. 

I wonder how many movies and songs and TV shows and musicals I was able to reference in here? 

Anyways… on with the show!!!! 

w

Welcome Horny Readers!!!

It is with great pride and foolish lust, that we bring to you this story. And by we, I mean, (in alphabetical order) Madame Librarian, Dukky, Bumlick- I mean Wylie, Java, Wabbit and Master Shrimp. Oh! And let us not forget, Milady. Not to be confused with MiHoe.

All silly characters and silly events in this story— even those based on silly fictional people— are entirely sillyly real. All context that seem like spoofs of famous movies, songs, dialogues even quotes, are impersonated…. Silly- I mean poorly. The following story contains coarse language and very silly silly material and even sillyier imagry, and due to its content, should not be read…. By anyone. Even if they are silly in a strait jacket and on silly medication.

It is just too silly for any sane person to continue.

Woman
aka Ms Funny Pants

PS- it is true. I have never cum. I need a musical to lighten my spirits. 

PPS- Thank-you to all for allowing us to abuse your name in this silly story. Your internal organs will be humped in thanks at a later time. (Wylie thinks; especially if your reproductive organs are on the inside except for gallbladders.)

Now on with the show! Lights! Camera! HUMP!

*          *           *

Ms Funny Pants lies there looking up at the clouds in the sky, a light misting of rain with the sun slowly setting behind the hills in the distance. The mist coats her face, causing her clothes to mould to her body. Turning her head, she sees a rainbow near the hills.

“Oh I wish Auntie Estragon would stop interrupting me! Every time I go to masturbate, every time I have sex, just before I cum he interrupts me!” She weeps, while her hands trace over the curves of her breasts. Lifting her head she realises she is all alone and miles from home. And miles from home means far away from her Auntie yelling for her to come and do some chores.

Leaning back, Ms Pants reaches for the button on her skirt. Sliding a finger along her snatch, her legs parting wide, closing her eyes and letting herself be carried away in the moment.

“Yodel-lay-ee-hoooooo!”

“Oh hell no. How the hell does he do that? Does he have like super hearing or something?” groans Ms Pants.

“Funny!!! Yodel-lay-ee-hoo!! Time to come in or you’ll catch your death!”

Ms Funny rolls over, and gets up. Doing up her skirt, she starts walking back to the farm. Shaking her head, she feels a song sneak up inside her heart.

Somewhere over the boxes, way up high
There’s a land that I’ve learnt of once in a nursery rhyme
Somewhere over the boxes, sex is free
And the wants that you’re after
Really do come true 

Someday I’ll dream upon a cock
And moan and scream while we rock, him behind me
Where his cum tastes like cherry drops
And he’ll take me to the very top
That’s where I’ll lose me

Somewhere over the boxes, blue balls wake
They all cum for each other 
Why then, oh why can’t I?
If happy little blue balls cum beyond the boxes 
Why oh why can’t I?

Shaking her head some more, so very curious about what it would be like.

To orgasm that is.

Ms Pants has read about it on the internet. She heard that the French call it the “mini death”, where your eyes roll back in your head, fireworks explode, your toes curl and your body shakes.

“I want it so bad!” she whines to the chickens as she takes a shortcut through the barn.

“Yodel-lay-ee-hoo! Funny come in for some medicine! Girls who get their feet wet must learn to take their medicine!”

Dragging her feet, she walked to the house and her Aunt. Knowing an argument will no doubt happen. Her Aunt always instinctively knows when she is about to masturbate or fuck. Men or women, with fingers or with toys, Ms Pants, can never seem to finish the job she sets out to do. (It is poor work ethic and all).

Seeing her Auntie, Ms Pants lowers her head and enters the kitchen. Auntie Estragon cuffs her over the head and chides her. “Woman, when are you going to stop acting like such a Tramp? Sleeping around, spreading your legs to anything that walks!”

“That’s not true Auntie! My dildo doesn’t walk!”

“You know what I mean! You seem to think that since ya got a whole, it needs to be filled! You are such a Tramp!”

“I am not! And I am tired of you trying to tell me that I am going to hell for wanting to finally orgasm! It is natural!”

“Funny, you are twenty-nine years old, and you are still going at your vay-jay-jay like a sixteen year old bitch in heat. This is not proper of a Woman of your years!”

“It’s proper to want it! Estragon, I am leaving and never coming back!” Ms Pants spins on her heel and runs from the house, banging the door behind her.

She continues running, past the barn, past the driveway, over the fence, over the hill, and into the forest. The rain making all the earth slimy, she stumbles once or twice before finally slipping and falling flat on her face in a pool of water.

Getting up, brushing her soaked skirt down, for the first time she looks around. Night has now fallen, birds are chirping. Wrapping her arms about her to protect her from the chill, she continues walking further into the forest, lost.

In the velvet darkness, of the blackest night. Burning bright, there Ms Funny sees a guiding star. Almost like a light in a fireplace. She cannot help but begin to sing, “For there is a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life. There’s a light over at the Frankensteins’ Place. There’s a light burning in the fireplace. The darkness must go down the rivers of nights dreaming, flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming, Into my life, into my life… There’s a light over at the Frankenstein’s Place…” she trails off as she walks closer to the light.

Ms Pants walks and suddenly she finds herself in a clearing. “How the hell did I end up here?” The neon lights blazing on all the buildings, the yellowish coloured brick beneath her bare feet, with the occasional silvery coloured coin shaped stain in the dim light, street lamp poles shaped like penises, with condom hooded lamp shades softly glowing. Noises heard from the building closet to her, shrieks of laughter, whoops of glee. Ms Pants can’t resist her curiosity any longer and walks closer to investigate.

I think I have discovered Eden!!! she thinks as she arches her eyebrows. She knows that smell. That undeniable scent of sexual arousal! She feels oh so funny. She continues walking up to the door of the first building, and catches the sign by the door:

“This is not Eden.”

“Whooa! You can read my mind!”

“Read your mind? No not I!” changes the red neon lettering on a black background.

“Yes you can. You are doing it right now!”

“No I’m not,” changes the sign yet again.

Stomping her foot in anger, “Yes you can!”

“Whatever child.”

“I am not a child!”

“You stomped your foot!”

“Sure.” She pulls a face. “What is this place?”

“This is The Newbie Nook, in Humping Land, on the great Horny Prick Road in the Land of Lust.”

“Humpin’ Horny Pricks in Lust?” Ms Pants questions.

“Close enough. Would you like to enter?”

“Yes please!”

And with Ms Pants saying yes, a door appears in the purple wall and the noise of people screaming, laughing, groans of pleasure, the sounds of whips cracking fill her ears. Even more curious, even more excited, she walks boldly into the building; where she is certain many men have gone before.

Taken aback by the interior of this mystical building, the lights purple, purple tapestry, purple curtains, purple plush carpet beneath her tender tootsies. I guess whoever decorated really liked the colour purple! Bubbles float around her long auburn hair, popping on her nose. She opens the velvet curtain and stops dead in her tracks.

All around the centre stage, bodies in every stage of undress, bodies entwined, faces in crotches, lips to breasts, hands inserted, hands to cocks, Ms Pants’ jaw just falls to the ground. Am I actually at an orgy? She takes a tentative step further in, then another.

A hand clasps her ankle, firm but gentle. “Go see the Mistress!” a face slides out between a pair of well rounded thighs before being dragged back down into the squirming mass of humanity by red talon fingers.

“The whom?” a shocked Ms Pants asks of the man’s ass rising and falling as he thrusts.

“The Mistress!” thedisembodied voice calls followed by a disembodied groan.

“You called?” calls a husky voice from what seems like everywhere in the large room. “I am the Mistress of Dildo, the Mistress of Humpin Land. All that you seek, all you desire can be fulfilled in my establishment.”

Spinning, looking everywhere, Ms Pants tries to find the voice.

“I’m up here!” from the centre of the ceiling, a woman is lowered surrounded by bubbles, gently swinging back and forth wearing a royal purple leather outfit, sleeveless, with chains connecting from her shoulders to her cuffs. Four spotlights from the corners of the room hit the shiny chains throwing points of light over the walls and the heaving mass of bodies like a human glitter ball. The outfit finished with a short purple mini skirt, off set with a pair of multi purpose farm boots trimmed with white fur.

I wonder if that’s real fur? wonders Ms Pants as she stares up in awe of this woman swinging.

“See my dildo? I can make anyone sing just by letting them touch it.” she brags.

Stepping her booted foot onto the stage, she cracks her whip at two women going at it. Stomping on the stage, thrusting her hips, holding her dildo like a microphone:

Cum out, cum on from wherever you are
And meet the young Tramp who came from afar
She came from the sky, she came very far
And Interruption she claims was the name of the town.

The men and women stop what they are doing, faces glistening with cum, singing:

Interruption she claims was the name of the town

Mistress Dildo holds her whip silent for a moment, then sings into the dildo:

She brings us good news, or haven’t you heard
When she lived in Interruption a tragedy occurred!

Ms Pants begins to sing while swinging her hips removing her clothes:

It really was no tragedy
What happened was just this:

Spinning her blouse above her head like a rodeo cowboy:

My Aunt began to yodel he was such a bitch
And suddenly my temperature started to unhitch
Just then my finger moved, to satisfy an itch
Went flying on my clitty stumbled on a glitch!

A man just wearing a straw hat and a lei, parts Ms Pants’ pussy lips and begins to rub her clit, singing:

And oh what happened then was rich

The whole room alive, hips begin thrusting faster, the room echoing with:

Her Aunt began to bitch, to moan, to bitch 
She landed here in Humpin’ Land tryin’ to get a switch 
Which is not a substitution for the perfect cock
Her Aunt began to bitch, to bitch, to bitch
The Tramp landed here in the middle of a ditch 
Which is not a substitution for the perfect cock 
Who should have let the Tramp find a switch 

Freddy sings while eating a mango freshly pulled from Secret Spice’s pussy:

We thank you very keenly for cumming oh so cleanly 

Flirtatious One stops making eyes at MonkeyMan, who stops pulling his banana long enough for them to sing:

She hasn’t cum completely 
So of course she did it neatly 

The Mistress of Dildo then continues:

Let the Tramp’s legs be spread 
That wicked old bitch at last is gone 

Sitting Ms Pants down, the Humpin Landers start to spread her legs while continuing on with the chorus:

Ding-dong the bitch is gone
Which old bitch? The stupid bitch!
Ding-dong the wicked bitch is gone
Wake up your sleepy cock
Rub your balls, get out of bed
Wake up the wicked bitch is gone
She’s gone where the blue balls go,
Down – Down- Down- Below
Yo-ho, let’s open ‘er up and tap that pussy stretch it out 
Ding Dong the merry-hoe, tap it high, tap it low
Let them show the Wicked Bitch is gone!

Two men stand, hands on each other’s cocks wanking each other off, begin to sing and wank to the song:

I’m Dirty Paul of the Slut Union
In the county of the land of Lust
We welcome you most whorishly

(Spanky)
But we’ve got to verify it legally
To tweak...

DirtyPaul pulls at Spanky’s nipple.

To tweak…

Spanky then shudders slightly and grabs hold of Ms Pants’ breast while his other hand moves faster on DirtyPaul’s cock;

To wank…

(DirtyPaul)
To wank…

(Spanky)
Is morally, ethically

(DirtyPaul)
Spiritually, physically

(Spanky)
Positively, absolutely

(Spanky and DirtyPaul)
Undeniably is a tramp.

A man with an erection out to here thrusts deep within Ms Pants while her eyes boggle at his length and girth, wincing in pain/ pleasure, over and over he thrusts while singing, she gasping in tune:

As Poleman I must declare, I thoroughly examined her
And while she didn’t cum 
She most certainly did succumb!

DirtyPaul stands beside the Mistress of Dildo, while fingering her, the Lesbian League led by Nicole, Ginger and Emo, sings:

We represent the Lesbian League
The Lesbian League, the Lesbian League.
And in the name of the Lesbian League
We wish to welcome you to Humpin Land

The Prophet, The Soothsayer and The Oracle three, remove their penis straws from their chalices, stand up from kneeling, and raising their goblets on high, sing like the Gregorian Monks of old:

We represent the Orgy Party
The Orgy Party, the Orgy Party
And in the name of the Orgy Party
We’d like to welcome you to Humpin Land 

A woman lifts her head from a man’s cock, singing with a tarty Parisian accent:

From now on you’ll be his story 

As Frenchslutt returns to the man’s cock, a man with a SuperKraut tattooed across his chest pipes up:

You’ll be his…

Frenchslutt with every bob of her head shouts out:

You’ll be his…

Dragon_Lover groans:

You’ll be his story

A woman with Georgia Peach bling round her neck rises and speaks:

I’d like to feel your tightness 
I’d like to feel your bust

The woman with a Red Rose tattoo on her tushie stands, spanks her own ass, then grabs her breasts singing:

Feel your bust…

Kinkeh Bitch sings:

Feel your bust…

Osh jumps out of a pile of moving bodies, arms raised high above his head shouting;

Suck my balls!

Ms Pants pushes the men’s hands off her boobage. “Bravo! Wonderful! That was bloody brilliant!” as she begins to get dressed.

Mistress Dildo bows slightly, links arms with Ms Pants, her chains chilly against Ms Pants arm, saying, “Walk with me child. What brings you to Humpin Land, are you lost?”

“No I am not lost. I think I have found Nirvana!”

“This is not Nirvana, it’s the place people come to when they are searching for something. Sort of like Troll Ville, where people go to find the lost sock that their dryers steal.”

“So that is what happens to my socks! I must visit there!”

Mistress Dildo chuckles, “One day you just might end up there. But for the moment you are in the country of The Land of Lust. That means you are searching for something sexual.”

“I am searching for something sexual, I want… I need an orgasm; just one will do… though many and multiples would be better! I fear that my Auntie has scarred me for life…”

“What happens?”

“Every time I start to masturbate or have sex my Aunt yodels for me, or every time I actually manage to get close to reaching my climax, he dons his lederhosen and yodels for me. “

“That Aunt of yours needs to be locked up then so you can finish! Every single time????”

“Every FUCKING time!”

“What you need is the Madame Librarian,” says Mistress Dildo.

“The whom?”

“The Madame Librarian. She is like the Wizard of Oz in all those stories for lost people. Only she is the Mistress of the Land of Lust. The Goddess of the Library. She helps creatures such as yourself find their way in the ways of sex. Oh and if you want to know the average air speed of a swallow she does have an extensive library as well.”

Ms Pants raises an eyebrow, “African or European?”

“Both I imagine! But what you lack she can help you find.”

Ms Pants’ eyes go round. “I need to see her!”

“You do indeed! Now, before I tell you how to get there, what is your name? Formalities and all.”

“I am Ms Funny Pants, and it’s a great pleasure to meet you Mistress of Dildo!”

Mistress Dildo chuckles, “That is my title, my name is Java, when you meet the Madame Librarian, refer to me as Java. Mistress in this Land is like Lord or Queen in yours.”

“Ooooh! A great pleasure to meet you Java!”

Java beams at her saying, “But before you make it to the Madame Librarian, you will encounter erm… a few friends along the way. Just so you know.” She smiles knowingly.

“But Java, how ever do I get to the Madame Librarian? Where does she live?”

“Pookie, you follow the cum stains of course!”

“Are they good for breakfast? I am quite peckish.”

“Ahh, you might not want to eat the dried ones, but if you are hungry we can arrange a meal.”

“That would be fantastic!”

“MASTER SHRIMP! Dress for our guest and come here!”

A strange creature, dressed as a slave with a ball gag in his mouth, scurries over to the women, bowing to his Mistress.

“Good boy! This is Ms Pants, she will be your new Mistress. Feed her when she is hungry, then if needed, finish the job; scratch her itch.”

Master Shrimp thinks, Jamanaeschzta!! This itch scratching is already making very strong, throbbing erections inside my peeshka with salty teardrop!

He nods his head in acknowledgment, sits down and begins to masturbate.

“Is he really masturbating for peace?” asks Ms Pants.

“No luv, he is getting ready to feed you, he prepares himself so that way you do not need to do all the work. He is ready for you!”

Ms Pants licks her lips and lowers her face to Master Shrimp’s straw. She sucks like never before.

Master Shrimp thinks, She is beautiful! This is better even than Sinbad Amusement Park ride with Oprah Winfrey! Oh… oh I cannot hold my eggs from cracking open like sperm piñata!

Master Shrimp’s balls tighten and he explodes in Ms Pants’ mouth. Swallowing his huge load, she smacks her lips declaring, “De-lic-ious!”

Java grins and says, “He is all yours! Now, you need to follow the cum stains on the Horny Brick Road. Take a stop at the Blue Oyster Bar. But don’t go in.”

Ms Pants, rubbing her full belly, nods in understanding, muttering, “Bar of Oysters, don’t go in. Got it.”

The three walk towards the door. Java kisses Ms Pants deeply, saying, “Mmm, I can taste Master Shrimp on you. Enjoy him, and feel free to spank him.” Patting Master Shrimp on his head, “Be a good slave to your new Mistress.” She looks questioningly at Ms Pants. “Oh I almost forgot! I need to send you off with a gift.”

“A gift? But you have given me Master Shrimp! A slave! I cannot ask for more than that!”

“You are not asking luv, I am giving! Here, take with you a magic dildo, and something for your feet, the Horny Prick Road, is covered with dried cum. Your precious feet will grow numb. Take with you these Big Bird Slippers, they will soften your journey. And they too possess magical powers. But only will you learn of them when the time is right. You’ll meet many more Lusties and you’ll meet Bond, be careful!!! Good luck!”

Ms Pants looks at her feet as, magically, a pair of Big Bird slippers appear. Gasping, looking up at Java, her eyes wide in wonderment, “Oh thank-you!” she says clutching the big purple, ruby encrusted dildo to her chest. Putting it into her basket, she smiles.

“Now off with you! Follow the Horny Prick Road!” She claps her hands, and many naked bodies walks through the curtains and out onto the road. The mass of bodies in the room behind her begin to hum in perfect hi-fidelity.

Ms Pants starts to bounce a little to the tune, Master Shrimp thinks If there is more Humpin-Lander singing I am closing the middle of my ears with reeking anal beads to scare the sound away! 

All the naked men and women in the Lounge, link arms and begin to can-can singing:

Follow the horny prick road, follow the horny prick road
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the horny prick road
Follow the horny prick, follow the horny prick 
Follow the horny prick road

You’re off to see the Librarian, the Madame Librarian of Lust
You’ll find she is a Mis of a tress as ever a mistress there was 
If ever, oh ever a Mistress there was the Lusty Librarian is one because 
Because she does, because she does, because
Because of the wonderful toys she has
You’re off to see the Librarian, the Madame Librarian of Lust!

Ms Pants, tugging Master Shrimp’s leash, skips down the road, the yellow of her slippers blinking and flashing in the soft condom lights on the penis poles.

As Ms Pants and Master Shrimp’s outlines fade into the night, Java, the Mistress of Dildo, the Mistress of Humpin Land shakes her head muttering under her breath, “Oy, that Woman is gonna get screwed, and not in the way she wants to be.” Smiling brilliantly, her arm above her head waving, spinning on her heel, shouting, “Back into the Lounge, I don’t hear any screaming!” All the naked bodies jump and run back into the Lounge, still no sounds are heard. “Do I need to whip you all into shape? All right! That does it!” She smiles with a glint in her eye, “Line up!

This dear, gentle, now obviously messed up reader (and dear reader, I shall never apologise to you for ruining your “The Wizard of Oz” experience for the rest of your lives) , this concludes the end of Part I. 

Part II shall be coming to you soonerish… 

w

~ by Woman on August 19, 2012.

2 Responses to “Adventures Along the Horny Prick Road… an erotic parody Part I”

  1. LOL, this was sheer genius! You are such a character!

Sorry, Woman is not available to take your message right now, please leave a comment at the sound of the beep and she'll get back to you lickedly split!!!!! *beep*

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