Woman shares her deepest regret… Guilt.
I saw a six year old little girl in my class today.
She’s a new student at this training centre I am working at this summer.
I looked into her eyes and I finally realised just what it meant to have a deep seeded regret.
Every time I looked at her as my eyes scanned the classroom, my heart beat faster and my whole body screamed out at how stupid I was.
I am sitting here in my apartment, weeping. It was not that big of a reality check in the slightest. I knew that he got married and had a child. I knew this years ago.
But it wasn’t a reality till I looked into her big brown eyes and at her curious expression at why was I searching her face to see what of her father was there. And trying to catch a glimpse of what her mother might look like.
Have I met her? Did I meet her in the past at some time during my last visit here?
The realisation sunk in- rather it blew me away. This little girl… she could have been mine.
Obviously not mine mine- but she could have been our child if I wasn’t such a coward.
My past has never really haunted me as much as it did that moment when I went to place a sticker on her cheek and I saw him sitting there in her face. I knew she was his child.
I look at him, and my heart beats me down. I try my damnedest not to feel guilty for what has become of him, I know if we did things differently, he’d be a different man now, but I would like to beleive he would have been happy. I would like to beleive that he would wake excited to start his day so when he’d return home he’d be satisfied and content that he lived his day.
I feel such tremendous guilt for what has happened to him.
I still have never really said to him what I want too, I don’t think I should. I know it is plainly written on my face… it’s been mentioned to me by some of my co-workers. We’ve both dropped hints, we’ve both lingered longer than what is socially acceptable in passing. The easy and overly friendly manner in which we both feel so comfortable in each other’s presence.
I have been standing beside him, being there for him when he just needs to be reminded that there is someone out there that cares about his well being. Someone who cares about him as a person.
At the moment, I feel like the biggest coward on the planet.
I know all this guilt that I feel is weighing me down is not just my own to wear. It is a shared mantle.
I am going to take my guilt riddled ass to the kitchen and pour me a full tumbler of whiskey. After I finish that? I think I might just take my sorry ass to bed and try to let the rain sooth me as I slip into sleep so I can spend the morning teaching at his side trying not to show him my puffy eyes. I will sleep the sleep in hopes of discovering an answer.
What do I do now?