Woman… go fly a kite!!!

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It is day two and sure as the sky is wide… of course I seem to have lost all the pictures on my phone. But thankfully, brought my digital camera with me today.

I made plans with some of my students to meet them at the park near the Shangri-la Hotel, as I wanted to get out there, sit abouts and take a whole slew of pictures of the kite flyers. But when I got there (and about thirty pictures taken too. It was going to be so neat! I can see the tower from my house, so whenever I saw it as I walked the 4 plus kilometres there, I was going to snap a shot so you would see it get closer and closer and closer!!! I thought that was going to be brilliant!!! But alas. Ruddy phone.  I have no idea what happened to those pictures!) there was only one kite flyer!

So I finally found my students, who very quickly got embarrassed at all the screams of “hello” aimed at my arse.

That has always surprised me about Chinese people.  Why do they insist on talking to my ass? I mean it does not talk back so why? Why do they always insist on talking to my rear? And then call me rude when it does not reply to them?  It just does not make a lot of sense to me.

In any case, so we walked a ways back to Areding Square/Park, (which I got some pictures for you yesterday, the huge green giant dragon?), and we meander about taking pictures of the visitors and just chatting about odds and sods.

Just your normal average run of the mill day in my world and all, but I did meet my goal of walking 9km today.  BOYAH! May not have been on a steep incline which I seem to be enjoying on the treadmill, or up a mountain side… but still.  I met my goal.

Some of you might notice the sky is a little…er… overcast (putting it mildly of course). ‘Tis the season of sandstorms.

And where there is sandstorms; there is sand in your bum crack, in your poonani, rubbing your chest raw where those darn wires of your bra are, behind your ears, in your hair, all over every bit of exposed flesh.  It is not pretty I tell you.

I hate it when I have to use the public toilets here, not only do they reek something awful, and not the most sanitary of conditions, but there are no doors or private stalls.  So the wind comes straight in and today because of the wind and dust and sand, my back side not only got air dried, but I got some sand in some places I’d rather not have sand.

Picture if you will be so kind, of inserted smartballs.  I had a sneezing fit something fierce, and with sneezing I seemed to have clamped my vaginal muscles something feirce.  So feirce in fact today that I gave birth to one ball. And the other ball was still inside of me.  (Need a reminder of what smartballs look like???) So it made the day kind of interesting when I excused myself from my students and tried to walk while still clenching that remaining ball so it’d not fall from me.  I know that would not be possible but jiminey crickets! At the time it felt like I’d lose my balls down my pant leg!

Can you imagine that conversation with my students? Suddenly they see my balls fall out of my pant leg to the ground? “Oh yes students, see. As a woman ages she needs to exercise her vaginal muscles so orgasms are more powerful, I won’t pee a little when I sneeze and so many other benefits of working my poonani muscles.” And their responses would just be, “What is a vagina?”

I can see it now!

So off I go to the bathroom, and I must have looked like I had something up my arse I was clenching my body so tight.

Then in the bathroom, I was tempted to take a picture, but… would rather not have you loose whatever is slowly digesting in your bellies. Let me try to describe it to you.  It is about six feet wide by about six feet long.  Down the centre of the open room is a six inch or so trough. You straddle this trough (or troff), bend forward, hike the cuffs of your pants up behind your knees while slowly squatting and dropping your pants.

Talk about extreme balance needed here.

And don’t try this while you are drunk. Not so easy.

So there I am now bare arsed in the ladies bathroom, my fingers trying to push my balls back inside me, while this old granny walks around the corner, gasps at seeing my lily white ass, then she walks further into the room till she is now standing in front of me while my fingers are pushing my balls back into their proper place.  She grabs her chest and basically makes the comment of, “Oh god, foreign women have balls!”

Needless to say; I couldn’t help but laugh at her.

Which brought on the, “You can understand Chinese?” comment which always follows when someone I do not know figures out I understand what is being said.

I replied I do, then attempted to explain that they are for exercise.

I then stood up, did up my pants and got my ass out of there before she could see me with my students then try to get me to either explain more or tell my students that their teacher has balls.

That would have been even more interesting…

Anyways…. that is about it for today for me.  Thought you all would get a happy chuckle out of the little things that happen to a foreigner here.

Before I dash away… Stats for today:

How many times I was almost hit by a bicycle: 3

How many times I was almost hit by a vehicle: 9

How many times my ass got yelled at “HELLO!!!!”: 43 (stopped counting at 30)

How many times I got pointed and stared at: 17 (students said quite a few more than that)

How many times people were staring then walked into a tree/poll/someone else: two

How many other foreigners I saw today: Zero.

Welcome to remote cities in China folks! Where every foreigner is noticed!!!! Who wants to visit???


PS- and I hope you all (like me at the moment) have Mary Poppins’ “Let’s go fly a kite! Up in the highest heights! Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring! Up through the atmosphere! Up where the air is clear!!! Oh, let’s go fly a kite!” stuck in your heads!!!!!

~ by Woman on April 4, 2011.

11 Responses to “Woman… go fly a kite!!!”

  1. ‘It is day two and sure as the sky is wide’
    Because usually it’s narrow?

    ‘At the time it felt like I’d lose my balls down my pant leg!’
    Congratulations. You are now a man.

    ‘ would rather not have you loose whatever is slowly digesting in your bellies’
    Smartballs, oddly enough.

    ‘PS- and I hope you all (like me at the moment) have Mary Poppins’ “Let’s go fly a kite! Up in the highest heights! Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring! Up through the atmosphere! Up where the air is clear!!! Oh, let’s go fly a kite!” stuck in your heads!!!!!’
    Nope. Hava Nagila.

  2. Actually to me it sounds interesting to be the only foreigner and noticed. Of course I would not have the balls problem. And……I did not have that tune in my head until now.

  3. I understand the feeling of being a foreigner in a small town. The looks, gawks, and finger-pointing never cease. I could never imagine walking around with balls up my vajayjay in this town, they would know something’s up for sho! Thanks for the laugh…again.:)

  4. Priceless!! The old woman in the stall… her mind corrupted forever, LOL!! I can imagine how many people she will be telling about the foreigner with balls!! LOL!!

  5. Steve; it is only fun and interesting for a few days… then it gets a little tiresome after a while. The constant stares, gawks, people reaching into your shopping basket to see what you are buying, the dreaded camera phone, the frequent people approaching you with “Can I be your friend so you can teach me English?” or the “I want to practice English with you” and the people calling you rude as you are trying to get to work, or exercising or just want some alone time… it is hard and take a lot of patience. But worth it more often than not!!!

    Jennifer; every woman needs some smartballs!!! They are pretty arousing because it is your little secret. It is like wearing an ultra absorbent tampon more often than not. The only time I really notice they are there is when I am aroused, excited or jumping around/ moving lots. They are very much worth it in the long run!!!

    Ardent; worst part is… there are no other wickedly tall wild hair white women in the city. But yay!!! I just might have corrupted an old woman!!!!

  6. woman, you really should learn to keep your balls to urself:) well im glad you had an interesting day at the “park”

  7. lol, again and again!

    Hey Woman, is your arse that delectable? I’d like to share a view of your arse too!:)

  8. That bathroom sounds like it was designed by the Marquis de Sade!
    Perhaps using the Smart Balls at that moment wasn’t so smart, hmm?

    • Touche…. but as I’ve said oh so many times (probably as many times as you have said “douche bag”)… a tight poonani is a happy poonani!!!!

  9. Did I mention I heart kites? Always have, always will. Beautiful!

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