Masturbation Blues…. the third

And that they say is the birth of the blues….. If you somehow have missed Masturbation One and Masturbation Two , you don’t need to read them before you continue, but… well you might just enjoy it.

Well with Lent over, and a box filled with new toys, what else could one do?

I had to test the cool ones out.

And in so many ways I am very sorry I did.

No, I am not talking about “The Hoss”; that monstrous, giant’s cock. He lays there in the toy box mocking me. I like the look of him and all… but I am seriously a ‘fraidy cat when it comes to him. EEEK! He’s got the thickness of a freaking pepsi can!!!

I am talking of the suction cuppy one made from jelly!!!! The Crystal Jellies Royale!!!

The thought was, how the heck could a girl go wrong wanting a dildo with a suction cup on the end? According to EdenFantasys, you could fasten it to the shower wall, a table, kitchen chair… basically anything that has a shiny surface. And my mind went racing.

They soooooo are not kidding.

But they never actually gave an example of how strong that suction cuppy thing was. I mean think about it. You buy Christmas lights and use suction cups to hold the lights in place,t hen spend countless hours refixing them to a window. Or that ruddy thermometer. I got so fed up that I just let my second floor neighbours keep it on their balcony.

So last week while I was on Lent, I decided to do a littler…er… science experiment if you will. I wiped the tile on my shower wall till it gleamed. Took that dildo in my hand and stuck it to the wall.

So far so good.

But that sucker… he looked a wee bit intimidating flopping around there on my wall. His pinky colouring see through, but still. Flopping around. Thick. Long and Thick.

Of course, me being me, get a little excited, but then thought, “Woman, you are on Lent. Walk away. Walk. Away.”

And surprisingly I actually was able too!

So he hung there on my wall through the evening. Through the night, and he was still there when I woke the next morning. He was even still there throughout my shower. And let me just say??? While I was bent over shaving my legs, I was oh so very tempted to just let my rear back up (of course I was thinking SHE’S BACKING UP!!! BEEP BEEP!!! Which had me laughing in the shower with a soapy tile floor. So not a good idea) and see exactly how well it would work.

But again, I had a voice in my head saying, “why blame yourself when you could wait a little bit longer then blame someone else for tempting you to give up Lent?” and since I am a woman after all, it is always better to blame someone else for tempting you than it is to admit you lack the will power to say no.

So I moved my body and finished shaving. But the thought did not really leave my mind over the days that followed.

I had to try it out. I just had to know if the main reason I bought this suction cuppy thingie was as good to ride as my mind envisioned it should be.

So the ending of Lent came and went, and by gosh golly! I was planning to make up for some lost time!!! I was turned on, I was aroused, and I was dirty from walking through a dust storm.

I hate dust storms. That stuff gets everywhere and I mean everywhere. I still say sand and dust storms are a good excuse to walk around saying, “It is like exfoliation from the inside out!!!” But in reality it is more like sand paper over your sensitive bits. And that is not pleasant.

So there I was looking down at my box of tricks trying to think of what I was going to use. And bloody hell. I felt like Goldilocks,“That one is just too big!” and “That one is just too small!” or even, “Well that one is just not waterproof!” and then my hands fell upon Jelly Royal.

My eyes got big, and my face got all flustered (how do I know this you might ask? I live in China. There is a huge mirror in my main room. I saw me!) and I chuckled as I said, “And this one is just right!”

So off I go to the shower to test a theory.

Standing there with the dildo on the shelf letting the hot water pour over my fully clothed body (just checking to see if you are paying attention. I was naked!) and rinsing the dust that was caught in my hair out. My mind kept on spinning in funny directions abut all the fun ways I could use this or be watched using it. Thoughts of the balcony popped into my head, a kitchen table. Hell even one of the desks in my classroom. The bonnet of a car. My mind was on fire I tell you!!!

And my pussy was even worse off.

I don’t know if it was the thought of it all, or the thought of finally getting to try out the suction cuppy dildo the way it was made for…cause I had used it many a time while playing and loved it! I actually really enjoyed the feeling of fullness he gave me, and let me just make a mental note? When I am with a man who does not help me finish this year, I do plan on bringing out this toy and making sure that he knows he is nothing compared to foreign men and that my toys are a better lover than he is.

Oh yes. I got very bitchy over the summer. Can you tell?

So I slipped the head along the slit of my pussy, testing the waters so to speak, and my body trembled.

I slipped his head into me and my knees got wobbly.

I then bent over holding this thick pink dildo in my hand trying to aim the suction cuppy against the wall.

All I have to say is thank whatever lucky stars I have in my corner that I was not being watched via cam and that no one was there watching. Ok. I have to admit I was thinking of wanting to be watched ‘cause well I kind of enjoy being watched.

But there I stood, naked as a jaybird, bent over, my hand holding onto this dildo, water pouring everywhere, and me backing up trying to aim the suction cup just right.

Having never done anything like this before (have I just invented a new game for a bridal shower party?), it took four attempts to get it just right.

First attempt; dropped the dildo. Picked it up, got the soap, cleaned it and onto try two!

Second attempt; moved my body too far back too fast and got the dildo up a very unready pussy causing me to jump, slip on the soap from the first attempt, hit my head on the water pipe.

Third attempt: this time with the dildo all the way in my snatch attempted to get the cup against the wall. Thought I had it but it was not a full seal. As I tried to move my body to take the dildo out of me it fell on the floor. Repeat Step One. Pray to the gods that I do not get to repeat Step Two.

Fourth Attempt: Growling in my own personal frustration, wondering how the heck these thoughts got into my head and why on this freaking earth would I try something like this and wanting to give it up. Afterall, three strikes you are out. Breathe Woman! Breathe! Ok. Try one more time for luck! Dildo in hand, facing the wall, eyeing a tile that is about waist high hit it on the wall. VOILA! It stayed.

Then I turned around and bent over and tried to bring my pussy in line with the dildo hanging off the wall.

My head pounding from the pipe, I knew that an orgasm would actually help my current disposition of just wanting to towel off and get into bed and go to sleep. Hey, I had a long day teaching students who refuse to answer the question “do you understand?” because if they answer with a no, they think that I will think less of them. Go figure. Silly China. Tricks are for rabbits.

So the head of the dildo finally feeling along my sore pussy. Can you imagine it? Something thicker than kielbasa thrust into you when you just were not quite ready for it? YOUCH!

Slowly, with the gentle rocking of my toes, my pussy slowly got used to it, and it started to feel that good pain of being stretched (not invaded. That was in the second attempt), taking about half of it by now, faster and faster I move, the water still pouring everywhere, just enjoying all the sensations. Hot water over my sore but clean body, my hands free to finger my clit, to pull at my nipples.

I was getting quite into it. I was just reaching that point where you stop thinking of everything and just focus on all the sensations that your body is feeling. My skin like it had electrical currents coursing through it, my breath catching in my throat, my gasps, my groans, my pussy taking more of the dildo harder and harder, the sounds of my flesh hitting the cold hard tile, my toes curling beneath me, my eyes seeing nothing but the ceiling…

Just as I was about to cum my neighbours flushed their toilet sending waves of icy cold water pouring over my body forcing me to loose my footing. Banging my knee upon the washer as my nose made contact with the edge of that same washer blood pouring from my nose mixing with the water of my shower. My vagina travelling down with my body, somehow and some way I guess the head of the dildo (it is a really formed ‘helmet’ style but I’ve really no idea how to heck this happened this is the only plausible explanation I can come up with) trapped some of the flesh of my pussy causing it to tear and bleed.

So there I am on the floor, blood travelling down my face from my nose thinking I had broken my nose, my head once again hurting from Try Two and the pipe, my vagina bleeding, my knee on fire sending waves of pain up and down my leg, embarrassed as all get out laying there on the ground naked with the water no longer icy cold but now scalding hot.

I tried to move to get out of the line of water… but I couldn’t move!!!

Oh god the thoughts that went through my head at that moment. And I didn’t even know at the time that my vagina was bleeding. My pussy felt like it had been pulled apart and so not in the good way!!! It was only when I finally sat up and looked did I realise I was bleeding.

I did somehow manage to stand again. And I was torn between laughing and weeping. Laughing at how ridiculous I must look and how this could only ever happen to me, and weeping at how this only could ever happen to me.

So finally I got myself sorted out, some Chinese medicine witch doctor potion applied to my vagina to help in healing faster… in my jammies and under the covers only then did I think about it all.

I didn’t break anything!!!!!!

Well I am pleased to say, that I am now pretty much fully healed, my nose is still a little tender, but my vagina is as good as new.

And come to think of it, I wonder. If my vagina could talk, I seriously wonder what it would have to say to me. Would it try to encourage me to try new things more often? Or convince me to just give up any kind of use because it obviously seems like I am not a winner? Or would it just whisper and haunt me saying, “one of these days, your masturbating will be the death of you!”

 Take care… and I seriously would love to hear other people’s masturbation blues stories!!! PLEASE tell me I am not the only one!!!

*walks about muttering stupid bees*


~ by Woman on October 21, 2011.

9 Responses to “Masturbation Blues…. the third”

  1. You might consider investing in some rubber padding for the shower area. Or another location? I’m thinking a wall somewhere close to the bed if possible? Possibly near a window with the possibility of being seen as you rock forward and back without the object of ‘affection’ in sight? I don’t know, but better planning sounds required for that one. Or leave it in the box for awhile and test some others. ???

  2. At least you can laught about it now, right?
    When you read this tale of lust and loss (Of footing!), do you laugh? I know I sure did!

  3. I love the latest posting, my dear. Also, my sexy friend, you have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award. See my page for more…

  4. LOL!

    Just FFS don’t give auto-erotic asphyxiation a go!

  5. sounds like something that would happen to me . I got my wife one of those huge dildos as a joke/ dare. One day I went fishing with my son and she tested me while she rode this monster. When she had to use it on the floor to be able to get it in (with a lot of lube mind you) she said it felt amazing. When she had her orgasm I thought I her her 10 miles away. I might add I left and went home and fucked the hell out of her ass.

  6. Damn,Woman – you’re the most adventurous person I’ve ever met. You mentioned a mirror in the living room – I think I’d stick that monster on there, instead of in the shower. If I was in a monster-sticking mood, that is. The only time anything even remotely similar to that happened to me was this one time… I’m actually embarrassed to tell this story, but heck – it’s only the internet. I don’t think anybody knows me here.

    I once read a story about a man that masturbated while standing on his head. Apparently the blood rushing down instead of up gave him a more intense orgasm than otherwise, or something like that. Maybe he just liked shooting off into his own nostrils, I don’t know. But it was late at night, and I was alone. I was partially (or maybe even mostly) intoxicated. I was well along into my self-love session when I remembered this story. I figured, “What have I got to lose?”

    I’m not usually one for standing on my head – the best I could do was to spin around on my bed and throw my legs up the wall, propping my body up on my pillow, my shoulders taking my weight. So far, so good. It was actually feeling pretty good; but then again it had been feeling good just a few moments earlier, too. I started feeling my head buzz. Both of them, actually. As my muscles began to tremble, in a preamble to a good cum, I lost my balance.

    Whoopsie! My legs slid sideways down the wall, and I was unable to catch myself in time. I fell off the bed, smashing my alarm clock with my knee, and wrenching my neck something awful. I heard a loud ‘crack’ from my neck, and all I felt for a while was pain shooting throughout my entire body as I smashed down onto the floor like a sack of potatoes. I remember thinking how embarrassing it would be to be finally found lying there, paralyzed from the neck down, stark naked, and probably with one hand still frozen to my now flaccid cock. Luckily, though, I was merely dazed, and leaking blood from my lacerated knee.

    That’s not the last time I ever masturbated drunk, but it is the last time I ever tried to be acrobatic about it. (lol)

  7. Woman after we chatted I just had to come here and at least read one story .This one caught my eye as well as my imagination .I got a visual of you in the shower With your new toy , I love to watch .


  8. […] I knew I was almost ready when the suction cuppie dildo (the one that became famous in Masturbation Blues take Three) slipped almost too easily deep into […]

  9. OUCH!!! now this really really sounds painful…you poor baby…

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