Woman has so become a lazy masturbator…

You know those days where you are horny, and you really really really want to play with your body, but you cannot seem to find the energy to get yourself off?

Where you get notice of a new erotic story that you want to read? But it’s on your computer which means you are going to have to scroll through the pages so you need one hand to scroll the other to flick your bean?

Ever hate the fact that you were born with one pair of hands? And that you’ve got to make a choice and either use one hand to keep your lips parted or to toy with your breasts?

Do you wish that you had your partner there in bed with you idly toying with your pussy and tweaking your nipple? Not getting you off… just teasing?

Have you ever laid there on your side while you read a romance novel (ok in my case something science fictionishy), wishing that blasted bullet vibe would stay in place?

Boy of boy… have I hit the proverbial pot of gold with this one.

*       *      *

Well… Valentines Day is behind us. The mad chocolate rush is over. The half off boxes of chocolate have been put away at the stores not to return till Easter (unless the country you are in doesn’t celebrate Easter that is… we don’t here in China!!!).

And if you are like me, you might just be suffering from chocolate overdose.

But then again… maybe not exactly the same chocolate overdose as I am!!!!

Before Valentine’s Day I received a parcel in the mail. And what was in it? Well!!! See!! That’s the kicker!!! Nomi Tang’s “Better than Chocolate“.

Of course it’s a sex toy!!! But not just any simple kind of toy. This thing… is seriously one of a kind.

When I first had the world of sex toys finally opened to me here in China, and I found companies who’d let me gather points and blog in exchange for sex toys, I was ecstatic. I could finally get myself a collection without spending my whole budget for a month on a toy.

So I started page flipping and… well you’ve seen about half my collection so far and I am not even near being done collecting!!!

But never did I think of getting Better than Chocolate. It just looked so… not my thing. And I was one who preferred functionality over everything else. Granted, yes, I have been more bold and adventurous in my toy choices and branching out of late but still. The root of the thing is…

Why buy a clit vibe when I could buy the Fairy Wand which is good for the clit, sore achy muscles, and you can buy attachments for the head for various functions… just made more sense. Or my Fun Factory Tiger (L’grande sigho talk about perfection!!!)? Where his head is great for clit, he’s silicone for anal, he’s got that perfect g-spot curve and ridges for my g-spot too? He hits all my buttons perfectly!!!

So for a while there, I just couldn’t wrap my head around getting a clit specific toy because there were so many other things I wanted first.

Finally, after some long winded discussions, I realised that I was going to be getting some of the toys I was saving my points and gift cards for, and that I had nothing else at that very moment I wanted… I figured. Why the hell not buy something just for my clit? That little button/nub (whatever you want to call it) should have a toy of it’s very own? Designed just for my clit.

So I contacted a store down south in Shenzhen called, Loewieand we struck a deal. I hoofed it down to the bank, transferred some Mao`s (yes, our 100kuai bills are pink and have a picture of Mighty Mao on them) and started the patience game of waiting.

Have I mentioned how much I hate post companies throughout the world?

I waited. And waited.

Finally I got news of it’s arrival!!!

I was in HEAVEN!!! I had three packages arrive that day. And I was quite literally surrounded by toys. Thank goodness I am a toy addict. My apartment looked like Christmas in a house with three young children. There were boxes everywhere, toys, bubble wrap, instruction booklets, toys being recharged, toys being shown off, my camera was snap happy… I was in heaven!!!!

When I finally got to the parcel box from Loewie, I tore into it with a vengeance. To tease myself and to make me even more wet with anticipation I left the toy alone and grabbed for my new massage oil by Sliquid. Ummm… let me just say, these bottles of massage oil (Tranquility and Rejuvenation) are very light but fruity scents. Tranquility smells like a a pina colada with a citrusey twist, and the Rejuvenation is a light citrus scent with an edge of sweetness. But let’s just say… my Lelo Flickering Touch Massage Oil? NOTHING compares to the wonder that is this oil.

Anyways… I took the box for Better Than Chocolate out and I was surprised. I am always surprised when I hold a toy for the first time. Nothing really prepares me for the size, shape, and what the instructions all say.

The box was pretty enough, nothing compared to a Lelo or a Je Joue box in ways of style or colour. When I first arrived in China in 2002, everything was packaged pretty much in the same manner. A hard cardboard with a foamy cut out for the product, with a satinishy liner. After all; one of the amazing thing about the Chinese people is that they certainly know how to make everything and anything presentable. Food presentation for example… oh wow!!! I’ll have to get some more food pictures for you all!!!

Drats. Now I am hungry for breakfast.

Opening the lid I was… well I was expecting something a little smaller than what I actually saw.

The shape of the Better Than Chocolate threw me.

It sort of reminded me of a space ship or a jumping dolphin with it’s slight curve.

Thank god it took batteries.

For everything else I received that day needed a special plug or an initial charging to work. So I washed him up, got some AAA’s and tried twisting the end cap off.  It is a tricky end cap, so if you get this??? Have a little bit of patience and it will work wonders getting it one and off.

Then I pressed the button to turn him on. And my eyebrows almost flew off my face they shot up so high in surprise.

Now, I’ve had many various vibrators in my life, and I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Fun Factory has one of the best thumpy and deep vibrations and totally kicks the Lelo Isla’s arse. And I’ve never been one for really pin pointy clit play, I prefer the rounder fatter heads for my clit play. But Better Than Chocolate actually had me questioning a few things. And now… I want more clit toys to see what I’ve been missing out on!!!

His vibrations are deep and rumbly and mainly focused in his head. BUT the design of the toy, and the strength of the motor actually has pretty decently strong vibrations from tip to tip and side to side. He feels almost siliconeishy or microfiberishy but he’s not. So not only am I surprised at his rumbles, I’m surprised at how hard and velvety he feels too. He’s made from thermoplastic elastomer and polycarbonate which is used in many medical applications (according to the manual). He has some drag which I like as I really love the feel of a man’s calloused hands. And to me when I drag this toy over my labia till his head is at my clit, it does feel almost like a calloused finger. I add lube as I start to get more into what I am doing, but remember! Water based lube is best.

Ok. My favourite part of this toy, is it’s shape. Talk about lazy.


I have become a lazy masturbator since I received this toy. I can lay there play him over my labia, slightly part my lips, pull my thighs together, then put my laptop on my lap and read an erotic story while playing with my nipples. If you lay like this with him nestled between your thighs slowly rock your hips, squirm a little so his head hits you in so many ways… and yes. It take a heck of a lot longer for me to get off this way, but I can get off like this hands free.

Another way I like to use him his laying face down on my bed, one leg pulled up to the side, with me laying atop of him. And reading erotic stories. And let me just say, that is how I went to bed least night!!! That would probably explain the fuzzy orange clam dreams with the Faceless Man.

Now surprisingly enough, there is another part of my body that I actually prefer to use him on. Can you guess??? Nooo not my boobies, although you can. I just wasn’t too impressed using him on my breasts other than just toying around m nipples. But on my shoulders neck ares. He is quite literally the best shape to play on your neck and shoulder, lay on it, hold onto it and just massage your achy muscles. Even if you are a man, and you love vibration massages… this is something I’d strongly suggest. I mean I’ve bought lots of massage tools for massages and masturbation, and usually I find the toys I’ve bought for massages work better for clit play and masturbation over actual massages.

But this one??? Is kind of the reverse.

I love it on my pussy, the way it hugs the natural curvature of my pussy allowing me almost hand free play time!!!

Now yesterday while I was talking to a friend about how I hold him, and I found the best way to describe him while you are toying your clit with his head, is just like you would hold a mouse for the computer.

The pulse patterns are simple and efficient. And it’s power can go from a gentle and teasing deep hum to almost but not quite rock your world!!!! The vibrations are strongest at the tip; granted, but… his rumbles echo through the whole toy, up along his wings, right to the base. The underside that hugs your curves, feels them the most, but the top not as much!!! Which is nice so your hand doesn’t go numb!!!

Now, before I go much further, let me explain. Buzzy vibrations are nice and have their place, but I find when I orgasm from buzzy vibes (think old fashioned traditional bullet vibe here), my clit goes numb. And that freaking hurts!!!! Deep vibrations rumble. They feel more intense and orgasms are deeper and longer lasting, my clit doesn’t go numb, and I can continue to play through the orgasm, resulting in more orgasms than just one. Deeper vibrations also result in more vaginal canal spasms that last for quite a while after you are finished playing. Think, humming bird wing flaps compared to an owl or an eagle wing flap. The humming bird style of wings on your body do feel fantastic but they don’t quite make the cut. Now eagle or owl type of wings would knock you out your socks.

Now one of the things that makes this toy unique besides their shape is it’s control panel. It’s not buttons or the like, but a touch control panel, with an on and off button. I love the quick on and off button!!! But the slider touch control panel… I am not all that keen on. It doesn’t work as well as it should when you take it into the shower or the bath tub as the panel seems to need closer contact and even trying to use it with lube covered fingers doesn’t always work. It is a novel idea… but it is falls a little short of my expectations.

No you may look at the price of Better than Chocolate and cringe a little and think that a bullet vibe might just be for you. I would actually disagree with you. Better than Chocolate, has deeper vibrations, and cups your body- think of it like this ladies. Place your middle finger on your vulva, and your palm on your mound. That is the whole area this vibe covers. Where the rest of your fingers lay, this toy also covers. And that makes it amazing in my books!!! The first toy to actually cup my pussy better than a hand!!!

And watch batteries I find run out so very fast and hard to find!!!!

His total length is four inches and two and half inches in width with an overall weight of half a pound. You can use silicone lube as it would be safe with the thermoplastic elastomer and polycarbonate material the toy is made from. But for me personally, I’d suggest water based lube. To clean him, just toss him in the sink, hot water and a mild soap making sure you use a toy brush around the control panel, the Nomi Tang logo on the underside and around the battery compartment. The Better than Chocolate is not meant as an internal toy, and because of his shape you’d not get him in very far anyways. BUT, he does feel good with the tip inserted as then you get your vaginal opening massaged. I don’t feel very comfortable trying him around my anus as the control panel has a seam and I don’t really want to chance a possible yeast infection.

One of the things I like about luxury vibes is the little individual packet of their brand of lube. Nomi Tang does have it’s own line of water based lube, but honestly, there is no way I am going to drop 70kuai on a bottle of lube without trying it out first. Better than Chocoalte did not come with a trail packet of lube. BUT it did come with a dual lined satin pouch for storage.

Now luxury vibes should by rights come as a rechargeable toy, waterproof, beautiful to look at, high quality, body safe material, newerish design and a warranty. Well, Better than Chocolate is only lacking in one area. And that is in the recharging area. At first I wasn’t going to get it after spending almost 250rmb (40USD) in in about five weeks on batteries when I had to return the rechargeable Tiger because of the motor.

What can I say? It was a horny month.

But then the thought came to me. What happens if I forget to recharge my toys and I want them? That mean’s I’d have no vibrators only funky dildos!!!

Gasp! Perish the thought!!!

So I decided I was going to look at some battery operated toys and not use them as much as the rechargeable as yes, I’d like to try to do my share when I can to be “green”.

Some of the rechargeable clit vibes I am looking at to add to my collection all because Better than Chocolate has convinced me that clit vibes ARE your friend!

1) UFO by Fun Factory (blue)

2) FOU by Fun Factory (yellow)

3) Spirit by Leaf (vibrant green)

4) Matryoshka by Rianne S.(rose)

5) Gigi by Lelo (turquoise)

~ by Woman on February 22, 2012.

19 Responses to “Woman has so become a lazy masturbator…”

  1. Wow! Talk about brilliant serendipity in design!

  2. LOL ! Very funny!

  3. Oh, I want that one! Yum!

  4. LOL! And I thought I was getting lazy never using my hand much anymore! Face it Women, we are in a New Technological Age! (and it RULES!)

  5. MMMMmmm…I so want one of these…and all the bits that go with it!

  6. Your narratives are endlessly entertaining, and I must concede the design is quite lovely, from an aesthetic perspective. The age of technology indeed, my dear. I wonder what they shall need us men for in the future…


    • Ummm… lots and lots and oodles of stuff!!!! Trust me when I say this. I am a red blooded woman. I am also a toy addict. But I’d tuck my toys away (still collect them I am an addict you know!!!!) if it meant that I could have a red blooded man with calloused hands, man stubble, a brain, who listened when I told him how to please me and knew that sex was for both of us just not him. Men have nothing to worry about when it comes to this fact!!! And I know, most of us toy addicts out there say one simple thing… toys don’t replace sex, they add to sex.

      There will always be a need for the male of the species!!! If not for them, how else would I get inspiration for my stories?

  7. Don’t ever change your style, Woman! Great post – and review!

  8. Wow! I never run out of battery power and I happily lick pussy or ass for hours while the lady relaxes.

  9. Describing it as a “space ship or a jumping dolphin” made me smile. I’d have said it looked like a breaking wave but I guess we all see different things depending on our own experiences.

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